


always in predicted time, penduli when will I learn

by mostlikelydefinentlymad



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Hurt Tony Stark, Internal Conflict, Multi, POV Tony Stark, Tony Angst, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony's POV during the fight with Steve and Bucky, it's so easy to forget all the hell Tony has been through, so I'm shining a spotlight on it, there is no happiness to be found here but if you want feels stick around
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-02
Updated: 2016-08-02
Packaged: 2018-07-28 21:01:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7656565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostlikelydefinentlymad/pseuds/mostlikelydefinentlymad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I don't trust anyone who doesn't have a bad side."<br/>Okay so maybe he shouldn't have poked the bear but he needed to see those cracks up close, to examine the person hiding inside of the shell. Steve Rogers was America's darling; the peak of perfection with perfectly white teeth, muscles that he never even had to work for and a freshly cleaned slate that he didn't even appreciate. It was unnerving and impractical.</p>
            </blockquote>





	always in predicted time, penduli when will I learn

**Author's Note:**

> FYI: the opinions of Tony Stark do not reflect the author. he is hurting which is why his words and thoughts come out so raw and harsh.

There is a constant pendulum's swing between life and death, between love and hate, between family and foe. It's fairly predictable if a person were to pay enough attention as it swings 50/50.

In retrospect he should've saw it coming.

Steve was the unexpected glitch, the engines failure in an otherwise smoothly running machine. And yet he slid past Tony's radar without a hitch.

+

"I was wrong about you. The whole world was wrong about you."

Bucky Barnes is the dead reanimated, the magicians final trick; pull the rabbit out of the hat and it will bite. As his fist slams into Tony's arc reactor repeatedly it occurs to him that he'd underestimated Steve Rogers and the demented other half that he calls a friend.

Family, friend.

The words feel like acid in his throat; an insult. They blindside him as he stares into sharp blue eyes that could only be described as pure rage incarnate. Tony bleeds broken trust and tainted memories. Stories of the heroic James Barnes and Steve Rogers slurring from Howard Stark's mouth with whiskey breath hot in Tony's face boil to the surface.

"Once saved 'is life y'know...Barnes. Shoulda seen Steve, jumped right outta the sky. Couldn't tear those two apart, no sir." Howard scrubs at a damp spot on his pants due to the sloshing alcohol. "Looked for 'em both for a long time. We all kinda figured he'd follow Barnes...always gotta be the hero. Sure do miss 'im."

Tony grits his teeth and fights for dear life. So called war heroes can really pack a punch.

Barnes slams a metallic fist into his armor once more and Tony remembers how broken and angry Steve had been back when Fury had gathered a rag tag group of emotionally damaged superheroes to take down Loki.

"Put on the suit," he'd glared.

Not exactly the best foot to start out on. It was yet another red flag that he'd ignored along the way. 

"I know men who are worth _ten_ of you!"

Okay he'd give Steve that. For all the bragging Tony did he wasn't as solid and strong as he made himself out to be even back then. Truth be told, his time in the desert and the cold kiss of a near death experience had stubbornly taken refuge in his head. Some nights, as Pepper slept, he would stand in the steam of a hot shower and try to remember how to breathe without choking. Then there were the horrendous nightmares that felt more real than anything had a right to. He had dreamed of acrid fumes and sand sticking to blood caked on skin, of panic attacks when signing a coloring page for a child, of freezing snow on his cheeks and a child who believed in him when he couldn't believe in himself. But mostly he dreamed of death. 

Steve with his shield cracked in two, the others lying motionless as Steve choked out "You could've saved us." Pepper careening towards the earth, dangling too far away from his grasp. The rage that festered in him within minutes of thinking he'd lost her for good.

He'd dreamed of gasping for air as Obadiah ripped the arc reactor (a poor excuse for a heart but it was _his_ ) from his chest. His body remembers every desperate crawl toward the arc reactor Pepper had encased along with the words "Proof Tony Stark Has a Heart".

Yes, he has his own baggage and heaps of it by far. Though Steve has the advantage as apparently he'd hidden his trauma well. He'd fooled the whole world into thinking that Steve Rogers and Captain America were one in the same. That one wasn't merely a disturbingly realistic persona. Tony had first noticed cracks in the veneer last year. There was something off about how Steve trudged around Clint's farmhouse as if it had stirred up feelings he wasn't comfortable with confronting. And then everything had clicked into place as Steve swung an axe at chunks of wood with more force than necessary.

"I don't trust anyone who doesn't have a bad side."

Okay so maybe he shouldn't have poked the bear but he needed to see those cracks up close, to examine the person hiding inside of the shell. Steve Rogers was America's darling; the peak of perfection with perfectly white teeth, muscles that he never even had to work for and a freshly cleaned slate that he didn't even appreciate. It was unnerving and impractical.

"Maybe you just haven't seen it yet."

He realizes now what he'd missed then. The statement had been a veiled threat. A warning to back off before the beast showed its horns. Still he'd considered Steve to be a vital part of the tight family unit he'd built. And family is supposed to stick together. They'd once been a team who would always choose to go down together should a plan go awry. There was an unspoken pact that they wouldn't ditch one another if someone better came along and yet.

Blood collects in Tony's mouth as he fires a reactor beam at Barnes left arm which sends him clumsily toppling to the floor. He could've shot the guy in the face if he'd really wanted to hurt Steve but, like it or not, Barnes is important to both the government and Steve.

It's then that the other half of hell's genetically modified angels decides to attack. The cracks shine through clear as day and it seems that Steve no longer has a need to cover them. 

Steve's teeth are gritted and his hands curl around the shield that Tony's father had made. He doesn't deserve a damn thing that Howard created and it's too bad that Howard isn't alive right now to see the monster that he'd helped create. He'd built the very person that wants Tony's head on a platter.

Strike that. Steve would never truly kill him, right? 

They end up grappling on the floor until Steve gains the advantage. For one brief and terrifying moment Tony knows that this is it. He'll die at the hands of his family, his friend turned foe. His blood will stick to Steve's skin afterward and wash down the drain as if it were nothing more than dust and dirt.

Steve raises the shield high above his head and Tony is paralyzed with fear. If he wanted to Steve could decapitate him and end it all right then and there. But he chooses not to. Instead, he slams his shield so hard into the suit that Tony can feel his ribs straining and aching under the pressure.

This is not the man who had fearlessly fought at his side. This is not the friend who'd stared back at him with wide eyes full of gratitude and happiness when Bruce had roared life back into Tony's lungs after the Chitauri had nearly killed him. 

No, this is not the friend that Tony remembers.

As Steve pants and stands, his earlier words ring in Tony's head. 

_"I'm sorry, Tony, but he's my friend."_

Yeah well. Tony had filled that role once too.

Steve limps over to his old war buddy (possibly more? there's no way that much passion sprung from sheer friendship) and tugs him up. Bloody and nearly defeated, they cling to one another. With one arm Steve clutches the shield and the other holds on tightly to Barnes waist. The Hydra issued metallic arm remains spent upon the concrete like a bad omen; a reminder of the ugliness that it committed both today and decades ago.

Tony is obstinate and sore. He's hurting in every conceivable way and it's not fair that Steve should walk away with only physical wounds. As such, he takes a verbal stab at him. If he's not enough to make Steve see the error of his ways then perhaps his cherished Howard will be. 

"My father made that shield. You don't deserve it." 

Steve pauses and silently drops the shield. The lack of a snarky comment or self righteous speech hangs in the air as he uses his now free arm to hold onto Barnes hand and lead them away.

No goodbye, no apology.

Tony takes in his surroundings and the fresh blood upon the concrete floor. His eyes catch on the shield and Barnes' arm. They've both been discarded as if they were nothing more than trash.

Like the items, he too is the remains of the day. Left behind and blood stained. 

I'll take a shower and get these wounds tended to. Pepper will hold me until everything feels right in the world again, he thinks to himself. And then, like salt to a fresh wound, his heart reminds him that it's still broken and Pepper is no longer speaking to him. 

He has lost everything.

The avengers have been torn apart from the inside out. Zemo's plan had worked out flawlessly.

He'd recruited a _child_ for his own selfish purposes. 

Steve had betrayed him and became someone he never even knew. He's now a goddamn fugitive.

Rhodey may never walk again and for that matter he'd nearly died.

Half of the avengers are now behind bars in a heavily regulated prison. 

Pepper is slipping away.

His parents are still dead and no drawn out bloody war is ever going to undo the damage that Hydra and Barnes did.

Natasha had betrayed him as well. She'd aided Steve and Barnes escape despite her earlier claims that she was on his side.

One of Howard's closest friends, Peggy, is dead and buried now.

T'Challa had disappeared from the radar altogether after finding out that Barnes hadn't been responsible for his fathers death.

The accords still needed to be dealt with as well as the fallout of the war they'd all taken part in.

He'd hadn't felt this alone and empty since the world had shattered around him in 2013. 

+

The pendulum swings and he is on the wrong side of it. 

**Author's Note:**

> title is from a song called Penduli Pendulum by Bobbie Gentry
> 
> also I scared the hell out of myself. I clicked the wrong thing and the entire fic poofed. idk what I did wrong or right but it came back and I could cry. ahhh this is why you should never write in the wee morning hours when your insomnia is keeping you up. 
> 
> lastly. a disclaimer: I'm a massive stucky lover. I care about all of my children equally. I just wanted to dig around in tony's head because hes been through a lot within the past few years and I do think they'll (cautiously) make nice at some point.


End file.
